Waiting for the wakeful smile....

How strange, that at a time when some of the world news and tabloids, notified those of us who are living in peaceful suburbia, that so many were engaged in the struggle for war and in violence and almost insane thought processes... Yet, there were those dedicated to healing and repairing Life itself, whose battles were also raging. I experienced this realisation when my mother went into hospital on the 4th of August for a couple of days; it was a harrowing time for my family. Like each child in the same position of uncertainty over the possibility of losing a parent, I had the sense of fatality and nothing could quell or assuage the fears that slowly gnawed at my day to day emotional tethers. I kept wondering how others held up in similar situations. It was a straightforward operation I was told, but the one and half hours became three and half hours and during that time, although she had a private room, it was isolating and the month leading up to the operation now seemed to me a dream and one where nothing I had done for her or with her felt meaningful. I came to know every inch of her room.

‘Courage, just feel it and live by its honourable banner’.

There are moments I shiver waiting in that warm humid room, the walls are superficially aesthetic like a hotel room, and I have memories of many other times I have been sitting like this with a relative who was sickly, or would die, this is for me a minefield of emotions, I doubt myself when it comes to handling a situation regarding my loved ones. I turn on the T.V and Thunderbirds are on, I am so relieved, it is one of childhood favourites, and I curl up my knees on the small soft armchair that I have curled up on, I pull up my knees to rest my chin on them and hug them, I remember this particular storyline very well, and feel that I suddenly jumped centuries. The fact that I hate being around hospitals is the very reason I force myself to be there, at any opportunity, I have to face what I feel are areas of uncertainty it is almost a compulsion for me.

‘Comfort is an illusion that fast becomes quicksand, security follows it’.

I am having flashbacks of my relationship with my mother and some of the visuals are drowning me, I know there far more important things I wanted to share with her today, and I am trying to think whether she felt I was wasting her time with my chatter.

‘Fragility is always an irresistible quality that draws me to touch it tenderly’.

I have chosen to be here on my own today, I felt this was a challenge for me to face and I want to allow my mother every opportunity to heal in an environment which allows her the dignity of not being worried about whether her lipstick is on, she has old fashioned values and likes to look lovely when she has visitors. Ruthlessly, I have mentally planned that I will forbid any of her friends any opportunity to see her until she is fully recovered, unless she permits it, I am selfishly guarding this frail creature who has given so much of herself to the Universe and others, even when she was ill she would visit friends in hospice or shortly before they died, in their most fragile states they requested she came to be with them and she was there, yet I am clinging in my mind to the ill-thinking that energy spent on others who appreciate her less than I do, may in some way take away energy I need her to have to heal herself. I realise this is an illogical, and I am slowly rationalising to be more balanced but I want to protect her from being tired due to others who I mistrust as being really as generous as she is. Of course, this is foolish thinking, I know they love her and want to be with her, and she will love to see each person regardless of their importance or priority in her life, because she has that gracious goodwill spirit that is free flowing.

‘Enduring glances will reflect only the beauty that flows from deep inside and captures them’.

I cannot stop my eyebrows from deeply furrowing; it is the look of worry, of anxiety, of tension, of concern, of a feeling of powerlessness. I feel my jaw line is tense, my teeth seem to be clenched and I cannot conceive of eating, drinking or breathing until I see she is safely back with me, but I remember reading Buddha’s teaching, and I am entirely dissatisfied with my own beliefs and what I know to be reality, that suffering is inevitable, so is pain, and the struggle to overcome these qualities of Life.

‘Personal attention is limited only by the depth that is at the heart of its focus’.

Once the point when she was supposed to be back in her room had passed the clock seemed to be faceless to me and in those moments I thought about my immediate family and what losing her would mean to us and in my mind the trauma of such a loss began terrorising me. There had been no time for flowers, and cards for it was very matter of fact, the routine we would follow was almost one of denial. On the floor from my lap a notebook collapses falling with a thud on the floor, it is filled with my scribblings of this afternoon… I have titled the words, ‘All that I am’. Then she eventually arrived, weak asleep and then startled as the ward orderly, medic, nurses and I began swiftly, efficiently gently rolling her onto the sanitised hospital bed.

‘Passion, don’t lose it, Life is coloured by it’.

At the same moment my phone gave a pulse that there was an incoming message to the phone, and precisely then my brother rang, he is extremely close to her and he had a message for her. I advised him of her condition and he coolly, said, it was brilliant that she was out and for her to call him as soon as she could. His exuberance and energy acted like a fire alarm it prompted me to follow the simple rules of responding intelligently first, emotionally afterwards.

‘Creativity, bloom, be inspired and grow’.

At the sound of my talking to my brother, my mother woke up and I heard her softly say, ‘Thank you,’ to the orderly, and then she repeated the words to each individual that was there, personally and memorably she graciously thanked them for her safe delivery, their efforts, and then she asked someone if her daughter was there, they replied, and then before I could reach her, the doctor was beside her, and she asked him softly how the operation went, he was pleased to tell her it was successful but there had been some difficulties, she hushed him and I knew she was aware of my presence and didn’t want me to hear this at this moment.

‘Friendship, priceless, it is unconditional’.

She called me and I kissed her softly on her lips and shared that bond daughters have with mothers, telling her she was safe with me now, and how I loved her. Then I watched with great admiration at manner in which the staff quickly made her comfortable and instructed each other on her health status as the process of her recuperation and post-op went underway.

‘Kindness, the spirit of it nourishes the soul and heals’.

As she stabilised and fell back to sleep due to the drugs, I looked at my phone and read the messages. There were three in my inbox, and my heart leaped a single beat, my Friend a 'novelist', Michael, was the first to respond, all three were his... When she is awake and I tell her this, she smiles, and replies, 'He is a lovely boy'... (he is a grown man, I smile at this response.) For almost a month from the second I had mentioned her forthcoming operation, this giant rugged 6 foot six, Taurian, the kind of man who one expects to see on a porridge oats pack or jolly green giant food tin, for sheer physical stature… with soft greenish, brown, lazy hazel eyes, a New York accent and the gentle strength of being someone whose comprehension of humanity is simply astounding, had kept me propped up with daily checks as to how I was, how was she, and he never missed asking about her, it was always first and uppermost in his dialogue with me. I was absolutely taken back, at how many friends (those that knew about her condition) had shown me such consideration, in fact he had almost with ESP written to me exactly the moment she had come back to me, and believe me I thought and prepared myself to go home alone when I realised she was so long in surgery.

‘Safety eludes each of us when we are without God’.

I replied quickly to him and felt a wash of pastel colour suffuse my light as if just his thoughtfulness was itself a salve. Over the next couple of days, I felt touched as other friends took time out to call me or email me, and every day there were texts back and fro, from them asking what I needed and how she was. ‘Fear, only through it can one comprehend self awareness ’.There was another giant, Laurent, again a handsome Taurian who had written every day asking how I was holding up, and even though he was in the South of France he quickly committed to being prepared to take time out if I needed him to, and as with all Taurians there was a complete comprehension of my dislike of hospitals, and reading his softly worded emails was a great comfort to me, each one always started as is his way… in the most unique way as if he is my knight and I, someone of regal standing… it is just the way that he phrases his language and the respectful way in which his mind works, charm that is old fashioned and reminiscent of some historic past that those of who dream of idealistic utopia may in our dreams only prospect for like gold nuggets. Any offer from his heart is always unconditional in it’s essence it has a purity that rings true in all his undertakings, and I always feel this stems from someplace within his enormous heart. A passionate reader he loves literature and when he communicates it is with timeless and has within it recognition immediately of what is required without effort.

‘Attachment causes us pain, and results in us seeking remedy’.

Then even as I felt waking up each day that her health could worsen, I discovered as I came to my desk and sipped coffee or fruit whilst responding to my emails and work requests in my inbox, there at seven o’clock in the morning was Nathanial, like Michael, his New York hours were always so far behind mine that it was interesting comparing notes on our lives and where our times lines were leading us, I to the gym, they were up working, I waking up, they were asleep, but here he was… ‘I just knew you would wake up worried, thought I would be here for you, so was looking out for you…’ he wrote, and now here we were sharing information, sharing common knowledge, and here he was this golden Viking, with sharp precise features and a voice that from the first sounds reminded me of my strongest allies over the years. He always laughed frequently when I updated him on my latest adventure but here he was now, just sympathetically responding with the quality that I always appreciate in this my third Taurian Friend, mentioned here… the ability to comprehend the practical considerations of what illness meant to those affected by it, and how it changed our lives forever when it was someone as precious to us as a parent.

‘Empathy revitalises us when we realise how it links us to each other’.

I was astounded at that fact that he had stayed up especially, he sounded so tired but at no point did he put his own interests before those of a friend, here I was that friend. ‘You must be tired…?’ he quickly replied, that he was fine, and as usual, he lived up to his highest sense of sensitive attentiveness. His words flowed quickly, with purpose and delivered aptly.We shared anecdotes, and quickly I told him about my beautiful Friend Susanna whose words always began with humble prayer and whose resourcefulness and intelligence coupled with her generosity made it possible to rediscover one’s self realisation.

‘Affection, is felt without confusion, and accepted by those ready for it’.

Other friends quickly came forward, 'checking-in', from time to time, and it occurred to me that there is nothing absolutely, that can compare with love, with tenderness and with the compassion one can find in others who have the humanity to present it with their soul to you.

‘Thoughtfulness, needs no further clarity, it is itself clear’.

I read my mother her emails from her own friends and each day she reminded me to thank my friends for their emails to her, their wishes towards us all and most of all their love for me, it meant more to her than I had expected, and then I understood why, because even for her, it was a realisation that at this time in her life when she is no longer youthful, the precious years ahead are those that she had once witnessed as a young vibrant, energetic woman to be those years of her own mother, her grandmother, and others who she saw as being ‘old’ she herself is ‘old’. Now here she was, and her tenderness towards me made me feel gifted and for her, it meant a lot that her children were loved, supported and cared about, by others, when she herself felt unable to do all she could, for which mother would not want that for her children.

‘Faith is beautiful when the inspiration for it is through spiritual comprehension’.

As she recuperates, to my great surprise, my friends continue to be considerate, not one has taken what I felt for granted or trivialised my self expression; none of them it seems consider my personal suffering as of surface interest to them. I have always found it easy to share, express and listen to other's experiences, I can make a lifelong Friend in a heartbeat, and feel I have known them all my life, and I am not limited by the phrase 'I can count my true friends on one hand'... that 'clique-like' sentence limits one to admit that their heart is too small to capture more than what they can manage and control, and accept. For me no such limitations apply. I can spread out my arms and feel that there are this many people I adore, the numbers are limitless, I treat each person as equally important, it never occurs to me to anything but wakeful to this realisation. I rarely feel that I have any limitations within myself to demote one person in favour of another. It simply isn't my way. I realise that I have come some way on this journey of friendships and relationships, that my family extends beyond what is considered normal to others.

'Brotherhood, is inner radiance expressing itself'.

Others, came to me quietly, and then softly told me that they admired my frank candidness about my experiences and that they felt inspired by some aspect of what they perceived were my actions; I felt it was unwarranted merit and explained that it was down to Friends, that without them perhaps I would be a different person myself. When I am asked about Mother, or a dialogue is initiated between us, I am quickly reminded that these friendships are about mutual empathy, whether lasting or only whilst the need expresses itself, and that only when one can feel the same compassion towards others can one find it within oneself to provide it in equal or greater measure and to make the necessary steps to actually act on those reassurances. I found it easy to accept it from others, because it is always ocean deep in me. I thank heaven that I went through this process with my family, it has left a deep indent in my journey, a groove that I know I shall pass through without being able to avoid but with the feeling that I am not alone, in trembling questions, even if I feel secluded in the thoughts that decant into a crystal glass transparently fragile.

‘Love, is between you and I, and it occurs at any time in all seasons’.


Were you waiting for someone to wake up today and smile at you ... and when they did - did you find the true meaning of Life - which is being alive?"